One class left until the end of my first week of college. I have to say, I have already learned a lot about how things work, at least. I've started making friends, which is nice. I think I may have stated that My process for making friends is usually not the easiest thing in the world. For example, the guy who sits next to me in English 101 bought me a donut today on out trek to Tim Hortons during the mid class break, so I told him that I've got Monday's class donut/bagel or whathaveyou.
I've developed a few early favorites. Of course I mean classes, people, classrooms even. I find myself being more and more outgoing. I think it's the fact that I know that I have no reputation following me around here, like some big blinking warning sign to stay away from me. In that regard, I think that is one of my favorite things about being in college. There is a boy in my Psych class, his locker is right by mine, and we sometimes ride the same bus home. I do find him attractive, and I feel compelled to talk to him. Approach and start a conversation. Something that I would really not 'normally' do. But then, no one knows how I am here, save a few people I see who I went to High School with. Then I ask myself the question; If I am always going to be put in a situation where I am always potentially able to be 'someone else', am I going to be, in fact, a different person? What I mean by this is the notion that when no one knows who you are, your history, struggles, personality, you can, if you so choose, create a whole new you. You can be the idealistic version of yourself. You would be able to make people see you the way you want to be seen. I'm not sure I would be able to keep up a charade of not being who I am.. I know that I am able to more freely express different facets of my personality without fear of being thought 'out of character', because no one knows what my character is. The thought though, is liberating. Maybe that's all I really needed, to not be afraid to be who I want to be, while still being true to who I am, and who I've been.
Looking back over some of my early entries from when I was 17 years old, I know that I have changed a tremendous amount. And while I may find some of the entries horribly embarassing, I am never going to delete them. They're part of my experiances, where I've been, things I've done, events that have moulded (in part) the person I am today. For example, my school-girl like fawning over my first (and still only) boyfriend, which if I'm correct, began in this journal around September/October of 2003.
I'm not really.. excited to read over those entries because I know that I sound like a bumbling idiot. But I was 17, It was my first relationship. I ask myself, how was I supposed to act when I had no idea what to expect? It was an exciting thing that I was going through, and while in retrospect I may have.. been a little flamboyant on a few things, I ask myself, would any other relatively new out of the closet teenager act much differently? To me, this is the journey. This is what it's about. My life, my experiances. My first boyfriend, graduating high school and around six or seven months later, my first love, my first day of college. These are the things that are going to help me decide where I'm going. Which paths to take, and what direction to go in. I'm going to have many more things to look forward to in this life, as we all do, we're never done until we're dead.
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