Seeing people in a state of distress strongly activates my paternal instincts and makes me want to look after them and make things better, whether it be my business or not. I can't bear to see my friends, the people I care about and love wholeheartedly, be sad/distressed or whatever the case may be. I understand that sometimes a caring friend, someone I try so hard to be, isn't enough - but I wish it was. I wish I could take all the things that are making life harder for them away, put it in a box, and bring it out for them to deal with when they're ready. But I can't. It tears me up to know that I can't really permanently help with some of the serious problems my friends face. I want to look after them and protect them, be the support and let them know that they are special and amazing people.

Love, sometimes, isn't enough. But I wish it could be.

A friend once told me that because I understand how things in life work, that I would go far. I wonder if his prediction is accurate. I often put myself second in order to make people happy or feel special. I'd rather buy a perfect birthday gift and not have enough money to eat for a week, than to not see that smile that tells you that you've touched their heart.

At the same time, I'm prone to jealousy. Silent, but still there. When I see attention that I think should be given to me, but is going to someone else, I become very envious. A sin, I know, but also human. Then I feel bad about being jealous and how the person donating said attention is doing so because of how they feel towards who they are attending and not - most likely - to hurt me.

All of my friends are different. I am friends with each one for slightly different reasons. But they all share one trait. None of them really notice me. I don't feel as though they go out of their way to take an interest in my hobbies or things I do to enjoy my free time. I think that maybe that's why I feel alone. I know my friends are amazing people, and I am so lucky that they have put up with some of the things I've done, but I don't think they try to understand me, or see what makes me tick.

I often feel as though I am imposing on an affair that is taking place when I'm with a group of people. I try not to let it show. But it's hard. I am often a lamb in a flock of sheep, willing to stay quiet and follow as to not upset the majority. My belief and spiritual side are somewhat unconventional, and because I know this, I usually don't explain my spiritual side for fear of being ridiculed. Yet I have accepted and become slightly curious about every other belief system I have, myself, come across.

I suppose this 'pity party' of an entry can be summed up quite nicely with a descriptive phrase;

"Sometimes I don't want to be the frame, I want to be the masterpiece".