I felt abandoned. I would prefer to be forgotten. At least then, you're forgotten, it's not a conscience choice. But when you're abandoned, people know you're there, and the choose to ignore and leave you. That's what happened to me. People made conscience decisions.

I've felt alone before. Never like that though, never so universally alone.

I did some self destructive things last night. I'm not proud of it. I'm already a compulsive over-eater, although you would never know it thanks to my incredibly fast metabolism. I ate two large pizzas by myself and drank a 6 pack of coke when i got home. I threw up half way through, but kept eating anyway.

I cried for the first time in five years. It's also something im not proud of. But the feeling of being so alone, so unloved. It overwhelmed me.

It's not the fact that people didn't come to my party, it's that no one did. I wanted to have this party because nobody came to my 18th last year. I'm never having a birthday party again. When I turn 21, I'm going by myself to Las Vegas, NV, and I'm going to have fun by myself. I really am alone. We all are. Some just are just illusioned into believing that other people are needed to make them whole. I am whole in myself. I accept that I don't need anyone to complete me.